Area man bombs on radio show call despite repeated solo practices

Largo — Sports-radio listeners were treated to an awkward and desperately uncomfortable call-in by Dan Hoffman yesterday, after he called the Steve Duemig Show on 620 WDAE and sounded deplorable despite having practiced his call out loud at least three full times.

“I, uh… Hello? Yes. The thing-um-about-ah-this-thing… Ugh… I just (muffled) say that I think… (deep breath) I’m a jackass, blegsh… Thank you,” was heard on yesterday’s show in a deeply disturbing voice that at times ranged from high-pitched to quivering.

After the incident, Hoffman felt embarrassed but was glad to have it over with. “That was my first time on the air on any radio station, so I think it went pretty well all things considered. My only concern was getting my valuable point across, but I’ll leave the finesse to the professionals,” he said.

After the call, WDAE hosts made fun of Hoffman by doing their own impressions of him and later promised that the call will be replayed every day.

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Smart Rams fan makes her own tools

Scientists surprised by toolmaking ability of a fan named Betty

St. Louis — Scientists announced today that they have observed a breakthrough in rams_fan_fem-smhuman evolution. Confronted by a bucket of Bud Light beer lowered inside a well, Betty figured out how to bend a piece of wire into a hook and retrieve what she wanted.

She repeated the success over and over, using the wire to pull the bucket up by its handle. Her exploits, and photos of the intoxicated aftermath, are reported in a paper in Friday’s issue of the journal Science.

“We were delighted and extremely surprised,” said Alex Kacelnik, who teaches at Oxford and at the Science College of Berlin.

Kacelnik and his colleagues were trying to determine if Rams fans, who have been known to use big sticks to get what they want in the wild, could choose the right tool to retrieve the beer in this controlled setting.

They did not, however, expect the fan to make her own tools.

Richard Banks, of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History, agreed that it was surprising for a Rams fan to make a tool.

“Toolmaking and tool use has always been considered one of the diagnostics of a superior intelligence. Now a Rams fan has shown to have greater sophistication than many closer relatives of us humans,” Kacelnik commented.

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Bucs get O-line help, sign Offerdahl

TAMPA, FL – Continuing their quest to improve the play and depth of the offensive line, the Buccaneers have announced the signing of John Offerdahl, who will end his 12 year retirement to join the Bucs.

“This is a great signing for us,” gushed head coach Jon Gruden. “We’ve been bringing in players who provide a veteran presence to our team, but as I was thinking about it, I wondered who would provide a veteran presence for the veterans themselves. After hearing the news lately about the plight of many retired NFL players and their pitiful pensions, I felt this was a win-win move for everyone.”

When reached for comment, Offerdahl, who was also known for his chain of bagel shops during his playing days and his new restaurant venture currently prospering in South Florida, added “I’m extremely excited about the chance to put the pads back on and play some football, while helping mentor some of the older players as they prepare to enter life after football. Maybe they’ll be interested in managing some of my restaurants! I really envision myself as an older guy who can still have fun with the young guns, kind of like that old guy in the bathrobe on ‘Family Guy.’”

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Area man endures 50-minutes of ”news” for 4-minutes of Buccaneer coverage

Please enjoy this article from the Red Tide News archive, originally posted in 2002.

CLEARWATER — Nearly an hour of so-called “news” was watched by Clearwater valet Fred Pyle last night in an effort to get updates on the Buccaneer training camp in Orlando.

The seemingly futile battle against FOX13’s evening newscast finally ended with a four-minute segment on the Bucs which profiled the extra food needed by the Celebration Hotel to feed the Buccaneer squad.

“What is this bullshit?” Pyle exclaimed at his television as the FOX13 Bucs segment ended prematurely and the station began showing clips from an earlier Devil Rays game. “Did they really have to put the Bucs stuff at the very end of the program? I feel like I just wasted an hour of my life.”

Pyle took the greatest offense to the FOX-affiliate’s “Tampa Bay Idol” segments, based on the hugely popular “American Idol” program. “This isn’t news at all,” he reasoned. “This is just a contest to get people to watch again and again, and then maybe visit their website to vote on who sucks the least.”

According to Pyle, the only bright spots in the evening were the weather segments with Paul Dellegatto. “Paul’s always been the man,” he later reflected. “Did you see how he didn’t even flinch when the weather computer went down? That’s a bad-ass for ya’.”

Pyle said the next time he gets the urge to watch local Buccaneer television coverage, he’ll TiVo it and watch Crank Yankers instead.

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Captain Fear Given Lithium, Now Captain Serenity

captainfear

Prescription eases mascot’s uncontrollable feelings of constant panic

Mental health was achieved today in the Buccaneer family as mascot Captain Fear was given a prescription of the drug lithium after being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrome. After taking the first three doses of his medication, Captain Fear begin to notice many changes in himself and his attitude, which led to the unexpected and official name change.

“I can’t tell you how much better I feel right now,” said Captain Serenity. “It’s like a huge weight has been lifted. Everything is so fine and beautiful and happy… and I just love everything, man. Whooooaa!”

The lithium prescription is thought to be effective by inhibiting the regeneration of inositol and thus reducing the efficiency of the phosphatidyl inositol signaling pathways in the mascot’s foam-based head.

Serenity’s psychologist feels that the post-traumatic stress syndrome was caused by horrific events in the mascot’s past, which include nearly drowning in the Gulf of Mexico and being forced to inhabit a plastic-molded and Disney-esque pirate “ship” in an end zone of Raymond James Stadium whose cannons “fire” with fake smoke and sound effects.

“Clearly, there are still some issues here that need to be addressed by the Captain,” said Dr. Anbinder. “He needs to find a positive way to resolve the conflict that exists between him and his employers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.”

Captain Serenity hasn’t made any firm commitments for the future, but he does hint that changes may be coming soon.

“To tell you the truth, I may do something different with my attire. A nice, silky soft robe would be much more comfortable than this pirate uniform,” said Serenity.

“Also, this deadly Nerf sword that I carry is suddenly less important to me, now that I’m not constantly consumed with mortal terror for my very life.”

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Message from the editor

In case you didn’t know, there’s not a whole hell of a lot of stuff on the site right now. Like firing a head coach under the cover of darkness and thunderstorms, the management has decided to just switch right over to version 28 of Red Tide News. Thank you for your complete and total devotion.

Read more on the About page.

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From the archives: Images Edition

The following images have been recently discovered by the RTN Archivist in a forgotten vault and are presented here to commemorate our new website. Please enjoy.

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